Legal stuff: Farscape is copyright Hallmark Entertainment, Nine Network Australia, Jim Henson Television and the Sci-Fi channel and was created by Rockne O'Bannon. Red Dwarf is copyright Grant/Naylor Productions and BBC North, and was created by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. No copyright infringement is intended by the author (who is a big fan of both shows).

Parallel Polymorph

by

Katie Morgan

It was a typical day on the Jupiter Mining Co.'s ship Red Dwarf. They were in trouble once again, a not unusual occurrence for a bunch of guys just trying to find their way back to Earth from three million years out in space.

"I don't understand how that big swirly thing snuck up on us," Cat complained to Kryten, as he flipped several of the switches in front of him. "I mean, I turned on the auto sensor," pointing to a device on the control panel. "Shouldn't it have given us some warning?"

Kryten, an android with a head described as looking like a novelty condom, examined the area where Cat was pointing. "I beg to differ, Mr. Cat. That is not the autosensor. That is the easy bake oven. This," indicating another device a short distance away which held the congealed remains of cake mix, "is the auto sensor."

"No wonder my cake has been taking two days to bake." Cat replied, having been distracted by his oh-so-handsome reflection in the monitor, and started to preen himself. "Aaaoouuuh. Man, I look good." Cat was wearing a very stylish suit, which he had made himself.

Lister wandered into the bridge. "Hi guys, what's all the lights and sirens for?" He was still half-asleep, and had been eating his breakfast of chicken vindaloo and a six-pack of lager when Holly had told him to come up here. Lister was an average sized human, kind of pudgy, with black dreadlocks and wearing some old worn jeans, a shirt with a number of curry, vindaloo and lager stains (enough that he often sucked a meal just from his shirt).

"Ah, good afternoon, Mr. Lister, sir." Kryten greeted him. "I see you woke early today. I'm sorry to have bothered you, knowing how you like to sleep in to three or four in the afternoon."

"Well, I couldn't sleep anyway. Rimmer kept pretending to do his exercises and practicing that stupid salute of his and running on about how I'll never be officer material. So what's up? Holly said there was an emergency."

"I'll say there's an emergency." Cat replied. "I'm out of styling mousse and I just can't do a thing with my hair."

"Begging your pardon, Cat, perhaps I should explain," Kryten interjected. "An rather large spatial anomaly with tremendous gravitational pull has suddenly formed a short distance from Red Dwarf."

Lister looked blank, science never having been one of his strong suits. "'Cuse me. Could you please repeat that in English? Some of us are barely awake. I mean I'm only on my third lager, and you know I need at least six before I'm ready to face the day."

"Allow me to translate, m'man." Cat offered. "He said that this big greenish-yellow swirly thing has suddenly appeared nearby and it's pulling us in."

"Well, then, full power to the engines and let's get out of here, Hol." Lister said to the ship's computer.

"An excellent idea, Mr. Lister, sir, with only two problems. One, Holly already has the engines running at full power, and two, it's still pulling us in." Kryten answered smugly.

"So we're all going to die? Killed by some swirly greenish-yellow thing?" Rimmer's whiny voice came from the doorway. No one had noticed his entrance, but then they tried to ignore Rimmer as much as possible. Rimmer was taller than Lister and was immaculately dressed in his officer's uniform, unlike Lister's sloppy appearance, and had a large 'H' on his forehead.

Some might think this was an odd question coming from him, since Rimmer already was, technically, dead. He had only been brought back as a hologram by Holly to keep Lister sane. However, the others already knew Rimmer was a craven coward, who ran at the first sign of danger, so they didn't think twice about it.

"Die? I can't die, I'm not dressed for it." Cat cried out. "Do you think we can convince it to wait until I can change my clothes and get a manicure?"

"Nobody's going to die," Lister said, trying to sound confident. "We've been in worse situations and we've come through just fine. Just don't panic. Come on, Hol, there must be something else we can try."

"I'm sorry, Dave, but it's taking all my reserves just to keep us from being pulled in faster," answered Holly, who was appeared as a disembodied blonde female head on the monitor (and who was suffering a bit from computer senility).

"Actually, Mr. Lister, sir," Kryten interrupted, "I did find this the other day when I was cleaning up." He held up a gray box, with a layer of dust on it. Blowing off the dust, the words 'Holly Hop Drive' can be seen on the side of the box, and two buttons (one red, one green) are visible on top of it.

"Waitaminute--I remember that thing!" Rimmer said excitedly. "It's that thing that took us to that parallel dimension with our female counterparts."

"You mean where that dog creature was?" Cat asked. "No way am I going back there. That dog was disgusting. And he had absolutely no fashion sense."

"Pardon me, sirs," Kryten said. "But it may be our only chance to escape the anomaly."

Lister looked thoughtful. It hadn't been all bad in that other universe, except the part where he'd ended out pregnant, but there was no reason to think that'd happen again. "All right, let's do it."

Kryten set the box on the table and pushed the big green button labeled 'Start'. Nothing happened that the four crew members could see. Then suddenly Red Dwarf lurched forward with engines on full, scattering them across the bridge. Holly quickly powered down the engines.

"Did it work?" Rimmer whined from underneath the table. "Or are we still going to die?"

"It worked." Holly answered. "We're free of that swirly thing."

"We're saved!" Cat exclaimed. "Great, because I just couldn't have died wearing these clothes. I mean, could you imagine--"

"Hang on a minute," Holly interrupted. "I'm picking up something on the sensors."

"It's not another deadly swirly thing, is it?" Cat asked.

"No, see for yourself." The screen of the monitor showed the surrounding space and what appeared to be a reddish-brown colored object with three long tentacle-like things projecting from the back of it.

"What is it?" Lister wanted to know. He thought it kind of looked like something from one of those old movies or TV shows he was always watching.

"I'm working on it." Holly answered. Meanwhile the image grew larger and became recognizable to the others as some sort of spacecraft. "It's a ship."

"Thanks for the news flash, Holly," Rimmer said sarcastically. "We can see that. Whose ship is it?"

"I don't know, there's nothing in the data base like it." Holly paused, listening, "I'm getting a comm signal from it. Should I put it on?"

"Well, what do you think?" Lister asked the others. "What're the odds that it's a bunch of crazed mutated life forms that want to eat us for supper?"

"On this ship, Mr. Lister, I'd say the odds are three to one." Kryten replied. "Remember the time we ran into the despair squid? Or the time we ran into the Psirens? Or the time..."

"Enough, Kryten, we were there. It's too dangerous. All those in favor of using the hop drive and going back home, raise your hands." Rimmer held his hand high, and waited patiently for the others to do the sensible thing.

"Well, I agree with goal post head." Cat said, nodding towards Rimmer. "It's dangerous. I mean, we seem to attract nasty man-eating creatures around here."

"Thank you, Cat." Rimmer replied, revising his opinion of the creature upwards a bit.

"But I have to vote with Lister because I can't stand you, Rimmer." Cat replied. Rimmer frowned.

"And I likewise would vote with Mr. Lister, sir, because as a living human being, he outranks you in my programming." Kryten added.

"Fine. Do whatever you want. Just don't come crawling back to old Rimsy when some horrible pusticle covered gob of slime tries to eat you." Rimmer replied, now in one of his snits, his arms crossed and back turned towards the others.

"Don't worry, Rimmer, we wouldn't." Lister turned to Holly, who had been patiently waiting for a response. "Let's talk to them."

The picture on the monitor showed a large room, much like their own bridge, however, it was done in more of that reddish-brown color with odd-shaped walls. There were three people visible on the monitor and what looked like a gray stuffed doll. The one on the left was very tall, with skin a sort of peachy-beige color and tentacles and had a number of tattoos around his head and was wearing a dark red outfit. The other two looked human. In the middle was a man, wearing a black t-shirt and tan pants, okay looking, Lister thought, though not as devastatingly good looking as me. The last one, though, really caught his eye. She was a real looker. A raven haired beauty wearing a gray halter top. I wouldn't mind having a date or two with her, he thought.

Rimmer was trying to make himself look even more presentable, having also noticed the girl. "On behalf of the crew of the mining vessel Red Dwarf, I greet you. I'm Rimmer, Arnold J. Rimmer, in command of this vessel." Rimmer announced pompously (ever since he'd actually made officer he'd insisted he was in charge as the highest ranking crew member, but none of them ever took him seriously).

The tentacled man said something, but none of the Red Dwarf crew understood him. "What'd he say?" Lister asked Kryten out of the side of his mouth.

"I believe the gentleman said, 'Graawn nob uplek tafren', sir."

"I know that, Kryten. What does it mean?"

"I haven't a clue, sir. That language is not in my data banks."

"He's an alien! And I found him!" Rimmer said excitedly, thinking of the honors that would be his on their return to Earth. It had been a dream of his to find actual aliens for a very long time, but since the scientists on their Earth had long ago discovered that there was no other life in the universe except on Earth, he had always been disappointed.

"We come in peace. We mean you no harm," he said slowly, like a tourist who doesn't know the language of the country he's in who thinks that this somehow makes him understandable to the natives. He held out his hands to show he had no weapons. This was ol' Arnie's moment to shine, yes indeedy, he thought as he prepared to give the long speech he'd written for just such an occasion.

"Excuse me," the man in the black t-shirt on the monitor interrupted Rimmer. "But do you come from Earth?" He spoke English with a southern American accent.

Rimmer's joy was crushed as he realized that this guy, whoever he was, had beaten him to his glory. "Yeah, we're from Earth," Lister replied. "Who are you and where are you from?"

"My name's John Crichton. I'm from Earth, too. I got sucked through a wormhole back in Earth orbit and shot through to this distant part of the galaxy, and I've been looking for a way home ever since. How about you?"

"Oh, well, there was this accident on board, a radiation leak, and Holly, that's the Red Dwarf's computer, he flung us out of the solar system to keep anyone else from boarding and dying. All the crew died, except me 'cause I was in stasis at the time of the accident. But that was over three million years ago."

"Three million years...????" Crichton looked puzzled. "I suppose the wormhole could have transported me through time as well as space."

"Excuse me, sir." Kryten interrupted, "but we are not from this universe, so you would perhaps be in error in your supposition. We came here from a parallel universe, attempting to break free from the gravitational pull of a nasty spatial anomaly."

John looked thoughtful. "You guys can travel between universes? Do you know anything about creating wormholes?"

"I'm afraid not, sir."

Then John frowned as he realized something Lister had said, looking back at the screen. "But if you're the only one of your crew to survive, how come there's four of you there?" Crichton wanted to know.

"Well, yeah. You see, Cat here," Lister pointed to the snazzily-dressed gentleman to his right, "he's descended from my pet cat Frankenstein, who was safely sealed in the hold when the accident occurred, and he's the last of his kind left on board. And that's Kryten," he pointed to the mechanoid, "he's an android we found in the wreckage of the Nova 5. And I'm Lister, Dave Lister."

Rimmer cleared his throat loudly. "Oh, and that's Rimmer. He's a hologram of me dead bunkmate. Just ignore him, we all do." Rimmer frowned at Lister. "Who're you?"

"Well, I was a scientist and astronaut until this happened. This is," turning to the tall tentacled man, "Ka D'Argo, he's a Luxan warrior. This little fellow," John indicated the creature Lister mistook as a doll, "is Rygel." The creature spoke haughtily to John. "Excuse me, his eminence, Rygel the sixteenth, Dominar of Hyneria."

John turned to the lovely lady next to him. "And this is the radiant Aeryn Sun, who is a former Peacekeeper."

"What, you mean those guys the United Nations send in that usually get themselves shot up and does anything but preserve the peace?" Rimmer asked, startled.

"Uh, no. She's not from Earth. She's a Sebacean--they look human but they aren't."

Aeryn asked John a question. The four members of Red Dwarf's crew waited. "Aeryn would like to know if you have anything you'd like to trade. We're running kind of low on food cubes and the like over here, and maybe we can help each other out."

"What's a food cube?" Lister wanted to know.

"Don't ask. You don't want them. They might be nutritious, but they're the absolute worst when it comes to taste."

"How come you can understand what these people are saying?" Rimmer asked, suspicious of John. "How do we know that you're not some telepathic mutated monster that's trying to trick us into coming to your ship?"

"I understand them," John said, growing very tired of Rimmer very fast, "because they injected me with translator microbes when I first arrived here."

"So do they have these translator thingees too?" Cat asked. "And why don't they translate for us, like on those old sci-fi movies that monkey boy here likes to watch?"

"Yes, they have the microbes too. And they don't work like, like Capt. Kirk's universal translator from Star Trek. They're inside your head and make you understand what's being said by automatically translating it to your native language. Look, I don't fully understand everything about how they work, I've only been here for a few months--I think. I kind of lost track of time out here."

"So they understand us?"

"Yes, though the microbes seem to have some trouble with idioms and common sayings, and I always end out with what seems like a PG-13 version of a conversation."

"So you just want to meet and do some trading for food and stuff, do you?" Lister asked. John nodded. "And whose ship do we do this on? Yours or ours?"

John consulted with his shipmates for several minutes. Interestingly to the Red Dwarfers, the others' seemed to not like the idea at all and were arguing heatedly with him. Finally they gave in, and John replied, "You choose, it doesn't matter to us."

"What's their problem?" Lister wanted to know.

"It's that they think you may be Peacekeepers. We don't want to have any entanglements with them."

"But you said she was a Peacekeeper." Lister pointed to the woman.

"Former Peacekeeper. Let's just say that her being here wasn't the exit her boss had in mind. He was thinking of something a bit more permanent." Aeryn looked defiantly at the crew, and Lister noticed for the first time that she seemed to be itching to grab a weapon that wasn't at her side.

"Hang on a minute." Holly cut the audio transmission at Lister's signal. "What do you think? Should we trust them?"

"It's a trap." Rimmer said positively. "I still say that they're probably some horribly hideous monsters that want to eat us for breakfast."

"While it is certainly possible that Mr. Rimmer is correct," Kryten put in, "I suggest that we proceed with the trading. We can have them come here, to Red Dwarf, and that way we can keep our eyes on them and have the home field advantage, so to speak, should they turn out to be dangerous."

"Sounds good to me." Cat chimed in. "I always did like have the upper hand when it comes to dealing with monsters."

"Right, so we'll trade with them then." Lister said, and was about to signal Holly to reopen the audio transmission when Kryten spoke again.

"As a further precaution, sir, I suggest that Mr. Rimmer and I, being the ones least likely to prove appetizing to a ravenous monster, should be the ones to meet them at the landing bay."

"What???!!" Rimmer exclaimed. The others stared at him. He cleared his throat, "That's a smegging wonderful idea, Krytie me boyo, but you're forgetting one thing."

"No, I believe I took your rabid cowardice into account, Mr. Rimmer. But it is in the Space Core directives that a hologrammatic crew member must lay down his life to preserve the life of a living human."

"Ah, but you're forgetting Rimmer Directive #1, Kryten. He who runs away lives to run away another day."

"Forget it, Rimmer. We'll all go to the landing bay. Cat and I will stay up high to cover you while the two of you do the trading. Holly, turn the audio back on."

He looked at the strangers on the screen, wondering if this was a big mistake. "Okay, we'll trade with you. Here on our ship, in our landing bay."

"Great. We can really use those supplies." John said, grinning, while his three shipmates still looked distrustfully at Lister and the others.

"Right, shall we say in an hour?" Lister replied.

"Okay, one hour. See you then." The transmission cut off.

"I really hope this isn't a big mistake." Lister said quietly to himself.

*****

On board Moya, a short time earlier...

Aeryn had been trying to teach John how to use the technology of the world he'd unexpectedly found himself in, and was only meeting with partial success. John had felt a growing attraction for this lady, not love, no, not that, not yet, but respect. She had given up everything she had been, everything she had known when she had stood up for him. She still wasn't fully accepted by the others, who had been oppressed by Aeryn's people for much longer than John had been there. John, on the other hand, while not agreeing at all with the Peacekeepers' methods, had no preconceived notions about this former Peacekeeper to hold against her.

"Crichton, Officer Sun, could you please come up to Command?" Pilot's voice came over their comm badges.

"What's up?" John asked.

D'Argo's voice replied, "An unusual phenomenon similar to when you arrived, Crichton. A large ship has just appeared out of nowhere several hundred metras from us."

"Is it Peacekeeper?" Aeryn demanded, as they hurried through the tiers to Command.

"No. It is of a type not in any of Moya's data banks. However, it does have some markings resembling those on your vessel, Crichton."

They reached Command, where D'Argo and Rygel were already waiting, and stared out the viewscreen at the red painted ship, something close to five or six miles long to John's eye. It was HUGE. "Can you bring up the markings, Pilot?" he asked as he watched the vessel slow to a stop about two hundred metras from Moya.

Pilot pressed several of the buttons and levers on his control panel, and the image closed in on part of the ship which was painted white, with huge red letters on the side: RED DWARF. John looked at the letters, not believing his eyes. "That's English--that's a language from Earth--but how--when could they have built a ship that big? It's bigger than an Saturn V rocket."

"Would you like me to open communications with the ship?" Pilot asked.

"No, Pilot," D'Argo answered.

"What do you mean 'no'?" John said, turning to D'Argo, startled. "That's from my home world," he said as he pointed out the window to the ship. "I wouldn't keep you from contacting someone from your planet should we run across them out her in the Uncharted Territories, why are you doing this to me?"

"It could be a trap." Aeryn replied. John stared at her. "Peacekeepers have excellent surveillance equipment, Crichton. They could have copied the letters from your ship and made these words."

"But how would they know that they meant anything to me, Aeryn? The words 'Red' and 'Dwarf' don't appear on my module, so they couldn't have guessed that those were words in my language." John pleaded with them.

"He does make an excellent point, Officer Sun," Pilot offered, feeling sorry for Crichton. "There would be no way for the Peacekeepers to know that those were words in his language, since the only examples of writing from his world that they have seen were on his module."

"Well, if you want my opinion..." Rygel started to say.

"No!" they chorused.

"All right." D'Argo said, watching John closely, "contact the ship, Pilot. We will try it your way, Crichton."

Pilot established contact with the Red Dwarf, and they saw four beings on their screen. Three of them, John thought, looked human enough, but the other one looked like a robot from a bad sci-fi movie.

D'Argo spoke to them, asking them who they were. The four on the view screen looked puzzled. One of them said, rather excitedly, John thought, "He's an alien! And I found him!"

The man continued, speaking slowly, "We come in peace. We mean you no harm."

John interrupted, "Excuse me, but do you come from Earth?" He saw the shock and then bitter disappointment cross the man's face, but in his excitement in actually seeing and hearing someone who was probably from Earth, he ignored it.

After the introductions and explanations on how they got there, and John's own disappointment over finding out that they knew nothing about wormholes (though he did wonder how exactly they managed to create a device to travel between universes), they got down to business.

Moya's crew were in need of supplies, most especially food, as they had been on short rations for several days now. However, neither side fully trusted the other (with the exception of John, who was still thrilled to see another human). John had to do quite a bit of arguing with the other three to get them to agree to trade with these people, especially since the memory of what had happened with the Tavleks a few months before was still relatively fresh in their minds. Rygel was especially adamant about it, but John won them over with the inescapable logic that they were nowhere near a commerce planet (backed up by Pilot on that) and who knew when they would find a planet that would be willing to trade with them?

John told the crew of the Red Dwarf after this heated discussion that they would trade, and as to where the trading would take place, "You choose, it doesn't matter to us."

Then it was their turn to wait while the other crew went into a football huddle, discussing it. John saw that hologram guy, Rimmer, stand up suddenly at one point, apparently protesting loudly over something, but Lister, after audio communication was reestablished, simply told them, "Okay, we'll trade with you. Here on our ship, in our landing bay."

"Great. We can really use those supplies," John answered.

"Right, shall we say in an hour?"

"Okay, one hour. See you then." Pilot cut the transmission.

"I still don't trust them, Crichton." Aeryn told him. "I'm going armed."

"Relax, Aeryn, they're from Earth. They're not going to hurt us."

"Right, you were the one who described your people as all living on one planet, so that you just kill each other. And yet there is an extremely large spacecraft, which you claim is from your home world, barely two hundred metras off Moya's port bow. Which part would make me think that they're going to welcome us with open arms?" Aeryn replied.

"Well, whatever you do, you can do it without me." Rygel stated as he started to float out of the room on his chair. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Where do you think you're going, your lowness?" D'Argo asked, planting himself in front of the tiny monarch, arms crossed and glowering at the Hynerian.

"Back to my room, if you must know, you Luxan oaf."

"We will need your skills as at bartering."

"What for? They don't understand us, only him," jutting his chin at Crichton. "And I don't barter through middlemen. Now get out of my way." He started to float out of the room.

D'Argo grabbed the levitating chair before Rygel could get past him, and pulled the miniature monarch from it, holding him out from his body so Rygel couldn't kick or bite him. "I said you were coming with us."

D'Argo, carrying Rygel, and Aeryn stalked out of Command to prepare the transport pod (and to secure Rygel in the pod so he couldn't duck out and hide). "Pilot, is Zhaan still meditating?" John asked after they left.

"I'm afraid so, Crichton. She is still deep in her meditations and I'm afraid that she will not awaken from them for some time."

"Great. Just great. She would pick this morning to start doing this two day Delvian meditation thing. So I get stuck with two Rambos and duplicitous furball on a trade mission where they don't trust the others because they think they're Peacekeepers." He sighed and added more quietly, "at least Zhaan would've given them a chance." He left to go help load the transport with their meager supply of trade goods.

*****

The creature made its way along the hull of the ship, blending perfectly with the hull. All it needed was an opening... It could smell the fresh food inside and it had been so long since it had had a decent meal. It chuckled to itself, drawing nearing to the landing bay. It had attached itself to the ship not long before it had disappeared and reappeared here in this place. It knew, somehow, that this wasn't where it had been before, but that didn't matter. It knew food was inside and it sensed, not far away, another ship with more food aboard. It opened its mouth, which was filled with razor sharp teeth, and continued looking for a way in...

*****

Pilot's voice came over the comm in the transport pod, "The outer doors are open, Officer Sun. You may leave when ready."

"Right, Pilot." Aeryn, flipping the some of the controls in front of her, took hold of the joystick and flew the pod from Moya.

Rygel was still protesting in the back, and D'Argo's temper towards him had not improved. If the trip wasn't so short, he probably would have stuffed a gag in Rygel's mouth just to shut him up.

John was continuing to argue with Aeryn up front. "I still say that you won't need the weapons. They're from Earth, all right, so it's not my Earth, but still they're human, like me."

"Forget it, Crichton, I'm not going in there without some sort of weapon. I don't care if they're your long-lost relatives, I don't trust them." She was following the signal Holly was transmitting, directing them to the landing bay. "Anyway, I'd think you'd want to go with them. After all, they're from you're world."

"Maybe. I don't know. I don't know if I want to spend my lifetime on some strange spaceship with four people I don't know trying to get back to an Earth that isn't really my home." He looked troubled.

"They're inbound," Holly told the guys. "Should be here in a little less than a minute."

They had decided to wait outside the bay as a precaution. Kryten and Rimmer were outside the lower level door, while Cat and Lister, armed with a laser rifles, waited upstairs. They watched the pod as it entered and landed. "Okay, they're here." Lister told the others. "Kryten, you and Rimmer go in first."

Rimmer shook his head and turned to take off, deciding that he didn't really want to meet an alien face-to-face. "Out of my way, condom head, I'm not going in there." Kryten, however, had wisely thought that Rimmer would turn chicken and had Holly take control of Rimmer's holographic body and marched him into the bay behind him. "You know, this is mutiny, don't you, Kryten? I'll have you up on charges."

"You can't, sir. I'm not technically on the crew roster nor a member of the Space Core, so therefore, I can't mutiny." Kryten stopped a short distance inside, waiting for them to disembark from the pod.

"What do you think?" D'Argo asked Aeryn as they watched two of them come into the bay and stop, waiting for them.

"The scanners don't indicate anything that might be a weapon on those two," she replied. "But I am picking up what could be a primitive weapon signature from nearby." She gave John one of her I-told-you-so looks. "And I believe the other two are nearby. I'm picking up a heat signature near the possible weapon readings."

"Well, have you considered that maybe they trust us about as much as you do them?" He frowned as he looked at the readings. He still wasn't certain what all of it meant, but he was figuring it out, slowly. He got up from his chair and headed for the hatch. "Are you coming or not? You'll never know unless we go out there."

Aeryn and D'Argo exchanged looks, as Crichton freed Rygel from his chair. "Come on, Sparky, we got some wheelin' and dealin' to do."

"Wait, Crichton, I'll go first." D'Argo said, as John was about to open the hatch. "At least I am armed." He walked out into the landing bay, his Qualta blade in his hand. Rimmer shrank back, seeing his alien up close for the first time, and tried to put Kryten between him and the alien, as he slowly tried to edge his way to the door.

Crichton and Rygel were the next off the pod, with Aeryn trailing behind. She had her pulse rifle at the ready. Crichton shook his head, and walked over to the mechanoid and hologram. "Hi. How's it going? Don't mind my friends over there, they haven't been very fond of these ship to ship trading missions since short stuff over there," pointing to Rygel, "got kidnapped a while back during one." He held out his hand to the android, who he still thought looked like some guy wearing a prosthetic head and a Halloween costume.

"Welcome aboard the mining ship Red Dwarf, sir. May I say that it is a pleasure to have you on board," Kryten pitched his voice louder so the others could hear, "all of you. You are the first human we've run into in quite some time." Kryten shook John's hand.

Rimmer had stopped edging away when he realized that they were all looking at him. He straightened his uniform jacket, stood up straight, and walked over to John. "Hello. Right, as commander of this vessel, welcome."

Cat and Lister had taken up positions on the upper deck while John was talking to the others. Both Aeryn and D'Argo, trained warriors, had noticed this and frowned and gave each other knowing looks. Neither had strayed too far from the pod, unlike John, and so could reasonably expect some cover should shooting ensue.

"Shall we start trading then?" Rimmer suggested. "That way you can be on your way that much sooner and we can go ours."

"Okay," John agreed. "Hey, Rygel, come here. Let's do some trading." The short (ugly too, Rimmer thought) doll-like creature waddled forward, still complaining about D'Argo not letting him have his chair back and being kidnapped by his own unwelcome shipmates.

None of them noticed as the creature, which had been on the outer hull of the "small rogue one", slipped off the pod (which it had jumped onto as it entered the bay) and into the shadows. Food, it thought. The creature changed forms easily, becoming yet another box of supplies among the many Kryten and the skutters had brought up from the hold when they were preparing for the trade.

Nearly an hour later...

"Right, so we're agreed. We'll give you four cases of these gems," John indicated a box of glittering stones (rubies, emeralds, and even diamonds), which were considered precious on Earth, but were worthless as far as the fugitives were concerned. "And you'll give us those boxes of supplies," pointing at the boxes a short distance away.

Rygel was smirking, thoroughly pleased with himself, at having struck such an excellent bargain. He wasn't sure what exactly 'spaghetti and meatballs' or 'liver and onions' were, or any of the other food items these creatures were offering were, but it had to be better than food cubes. And he hadn't had a proper meal in days.

"Right." Rimmer agreed, having overruled Kryten as far as bargaining went. After all, he was the commanding officer. And his greed could only see that they were willing to part with a fortune in precious stones, which Kryten had assured him were genuine. Yes indeedy, I'll be a very rich man when I get back to Earth.

D'Argo and Aeryn had kept a watchful eye on both the proceedings and the two on the catwalk, while Cat and Lister had done as somewhat less watchful job from their perch. Cat was complaining (though not loud enough for them to hear below) to Lister that it had been over an hour since he had taken a nap or done any preening, and Lister had tuned him out some time before. Lister was busy thinking about Christine Kochanski, his one true love, whom he'd had exactly one date with before she was killed in the accident.

"D'Argo, Aeryn," John called. "We're done. We get those supplies over there, and they get the other cases of gems."

"You bring out the gems, Crichton, we'll take care of the supplies." D'Argo said, noting that the two on the catwalk had shouldered their weapons. He strode over to the boxes, along with Aeryn, and began carrying them to the pod. Crichton had gone back into the ship and returned with another case which he set next to the first, and did this two more times before setting off to help load the supplies.

Rygel had waddled back into the pod, refusing to degrade himself more by actually carrying anything, and sat down, waiting for the return to Moya so he could have a decent meal.

The loading of the supplies was nearly complete when Aeryn picked up the box that was the creature in disguise. She let out a scream of agony as the thing morphed back into its normal shape and bit into her left arm, drawing blood. "Food!" it cried, and tried to bite her again, but she had ripped it from her arm and thrown it away from her.

Cat and Lister's heads snapped up at the scream, and they saw briefly the creature as Aeryn hurled it away before it morphed again, into a bouncing ball, and vanished into the shadows of the hold and out the door. John had gone running over to Aeryn, whose arm was bleeding badly now, and was trying to apply basic first aid to her. Aeryn had her pulse rifle out and was aiming it at Rimmer and Kryten, thinking that they had set them up. D'Argo had likewise come running out of the pod, Qualta blade set in blaster mode, and was taking aim at Cat and Lister on the catwalk.

"Dorognak mef toshan'ta!" Aeryn yelled at the two she held in place with her rifle. Cat and Lister now also had their weapons ready to fire, aimed at both D'Argo and Aeryn.

"What did she say?" Kryten asked John.

"She wants to know why you set us up." John was barely controlling his own anger, and had grabbed Aeryn's spare weapon when he had finished wrapping up her arm.

"We haven't 'set you up', sir." Kryten said. "We have no idea what that was."

Lister called down from the catwalk. "Yes we do, Kryten. It's another polymorph."

"A polymorph?" Rimmer cried. "How did we end up with another one of those on board? I'm not running about after another of those emotion-sucking shape-changing vampires. I'm staying right here."

"What's a polymorph?" John wanted to know. He wasn't certain he liked the sound of that.

"Begging your pardon, Mr. Rimmer, but just because the last one sucked emotions from us, doesn't mean this one does that as well. And in answer to your question, sir," Kryten turned to Crichton. "A polymorph is a genetically engineered creature which can assume any shape. Unfortunately, they have a slight tendency to be insane and bloodthirsty."

D'Argo asked a question, as he scanned the bay, looking for some sign of the creature that had attacked Aeryn. "He wants to know how you find and kill this thing. That's something I'd like to know myself."

Cat began firing at the shadows, but there was nothing there. The others had swung their weapons around, ready to fire as well.

"Sorry, my trigger finger slipped." Cat apologized.

Lister asked the computer, "Can you track it, Hol?"

"Sorry, Dave, it's not showing up on any of the sensors. It must be able to disguise itself somehow."

Lister frowned and called down to the others, "Everyone look for something in twos, and shoes in fours. And each crew should team up with someone from the other one, so we each know what should be there and what shouldn't be."

"Great idea, Lister." Rimmer agreed. "I'll stay with the little guy in their ship." He ran for the pod and ducked inside. Rygel hadn't left the ship, knowing better than to stick his nose out where people were shooting guns.

"One problem. How're you going to understand each other?" John wanted to know. "You don't speak their language."

"Right. But they speak ours, right? So they'll understand us when we tell them something. Then we just need a way for them to tell us something." Lister thought for a minute. "I know, they can use hand signals, you know, like in the movies."

John frowned, and he could tell that D'Argo and Aeryn didn't think much of that idea either, but they also realized that the others would know more about their ship than they did. They nodded their assent, and they quickly worked out a basic system, with their comm badges staying open in case they needed John to translate something more elaborate for them.

"What are we going to do about them?" Aeryn wanted to know, indicating the transport pod.

"Leave them, with the door sealed. And have Rygel pick out a password to let us back in, so that they are not tricked by this polymorph creature." D'Argo decided, and they split into teams, after informing Rimmer and Rygel of their plan (and letting Rygel decide the password). D'Argo and Aeryn didn't worry about Rygel trying to pilot the pod, knowing he probably hadn't a clue about how to fly it (or if he did, that he would consider it beneath his station to do so).

He and Kryten left first, heading towards the bridge (with a stopover to get a weapon from Kryten). Aeryn and Cat went next, not her first choice for a companion, but better than that human Lister, whom even she thought smelled horrible. She understood why D'Argo hadn't gone with him with his olfactory sense. They headed for the crew quarters to search for the polymorph. Lister and John headed towards the hold.

*****

The polymorph, after bouncing from the landing bay, switched quickly between forms. It became, in quick succession, a tricycle, a Big Mac, and finally a parrot, which flew off through the corridors, deeper into the ship.

It knew that it shouldn't have attacked in the bay, but the smell of food so close had caused it to act prematurely. But it still had a chance to get a good meal, maybe even better chance now, since they would have to search for it. The polymorph was unworried about the ship's sensors, knowing that it could disguise its readings so that the computer couldn't detect it.

It found a nice dark spot, and hid in the shadows, changing form yet again to match its surroundings, and waited.

*****

D'Argo and Kryten searched through the upper levels of Red Dwarf, finding a number of odd things up there (several of which Kryten shot at, thinking it was the polymorph). D'Argo just shook his head and mumbled something which sounded to the android like "Dot'al hemaza kef raj'ti sosala, Crichton."

D'Argo was regretting this decision to split up. While it might be expedient to have someone who actually knew the layout of the ship he was on, it would also help, in his opinion, to have someone who knew what he was saying. And had some training as a warrior so he wouldn't keep firing and giving away their position.

They heard a faint sound coming from one of the rooms a little up the corridor on the left. Entering the room with weapons drawn, D'Argo covered Kryten. They scanned the room for what had made the noise. D'Argo walked slowly past a table, examining the bits and pieces of machinery, a half-eaten sandwich with enough penicillin growing on it to wipe out a flu epidemic, and the small box like object with two slots on the top carefully without touching them. He started to move on when a voice came from the table said, "Hey! You guys look like you can use some toast!" D'Argo spun back around to the table, covering it with his Qualta blade, ready to fire at whatever it was.

Kryten, however, pushed D'Argo's weapon away from the table, telling him at the same time, "It's harmless. Annoying, but harmless."

The little toaster continued its spiel. "So how about it? Do you want some toast?" it asked in a voice reminiscent of Jimmy Stewart.

"No, we don't want any toast." Kryten responded, knowing that he was probably going to regret it. "Nor do we want any other bread products, doughnuts or even waffles."

"You're sure I can't warm up a nice bagel for you?" The talking toaster persisted.

"No bagels!" Kryten said, starting to lose his temper. D'Argo watched this whole exchange, puzzled. He had no idea what any of these things were that the little box was talking about, but he was coming to realize that the box wasn't going to give up.

"Well, then, how about some croissants? Or maybe a muffin?"

Kryten was losing what patience he had left. "No, no, no! Listen, you, we don't want any croissants or muffins. We don't want anything to eat."

The toaster tried again. "So do you want some toast?"

D'Argo had had enough of this device and pushed Kryten out of the way and blasted it into oblivion. The toaster's voice as it died said, "I'll take that as a maybe."

*****

Aeryn and Cat were going through the crew quarters. Cat kept chatting her up, but she wasn't responding to his witty repartee, except to give him nasty looks ever now and again. Tiring of listening to him complain about not having had his nap or his 15 hours of preening today and his constant pulling out a mirror to admire himself, Aeryn pulled ahead of him, searching carefully for that nasty creature that had bit her. We probably should've left when we had the chance, and let these frelling idiots find the creature, she thought. After all, it is their ship, not ours. But she had a nagging feeling in her gut that Crichton wouldn't have abandoned them and the gods know he needed all the help he could get.

Aeryn's left arm still throbbed from the creature's bite and she was looking forward to some of Zhaan's medicine when they got back to Moya. She checked the bandage briefly, and satisfied that the bleeding had stopped, put the pain out of her mind.

She and Cat had spent much of the last two arns going through various crew quarters on the officers' deck. They had gone through Lister's room a while back, and Aeryn had been even more disgusted with the human than she had been before. Kryten hadn't had a chance to clean up since Lister's Little Angler and mini-golf marathon with Cat the night before, and the place was a total disaster area. She could still smell the room, even though they were at the other end of the hall now.

They entered Cat's room, where she was amazed to see dozens of racks of clothes, mirrors of all shapes and sizes, and numerous kinds of shampoos, styling gels, combs, brushes and assorted other grooming materials. Cat was thrilled to be back in his room, and immediately back examining himself in the mirrors and grooming himself back to the model of perfection that he knew he was. Aeryn slowly walked through the room, past the many racks of clothes, all very stylish, pausing at one towards the back of the room, half-hidden in the shadows. "Mockta vedi?" she asked Cat.

Cat had actually forgotten that they were supposed to be looking for a polymorph. But then, he always was easily distracted. Hearing the lovely lady speak to him for the first time since they had started the search, he was momentarily diverted from his preening, but thinking she was simply agreeing with him about how good he looked, he starting combing his hair and admiring himself.

Aeryn backed away from the rack which had set off the warning bells in her mind, keeping her eye on it at all times. She reached Cat, and grabbed him with her left hand, turning him towards the rack, pointed and repeated her question, "Mockta vedi?"

Cat frowned, "Hey, watch the suit. Do you have any idea how long it took me to make this?"

Aeryn pointed again at the rack. "MOCKTA VEDI?" she practically shouted in his face.

Cat finally looked where she was pointing. "Hey, what is that? A common ship-issue overalls in with my stylish clothes? Did Kryten deliver monkey boy's clothes here from the laundry?" He walked closer, in spite of Aeryn trying to pull him back, and was shocked when the suit flew off the rack and wrapped itself around his neck, and teeth sprouted out of the sleeves and tried to eat his face.

Aeryn was thinking that this guy must be a complete yotz to go up to the very rack she had been pointing at, and hesitated, trying to decide whether she should shoot the creature or not. After a few seconds deliberation, she decided to try and yank it from Cat's neck and then blast it, and grabbed hold of the legs of the overalls. A tug of war ensued, with Aeryn yanking on one end, while Cat was desperately pulling at the sleeves, which inadvertently tightened it around his neck.

Cat was having trouble breathing and was trying very hard to keep the teeth from his face because he didn't want it to scar his handsome features. While Cat was twisting around on the floor, Aeryn managed to get her end from around his neck, but the crafty polymorph changed shape as it did so, becoming a very small mouse, which scurried away out the door. Cat had gotten entangled with Aeryn when the polymorph changed forms, spoiling her shot.

Getting untangled, they hurried out into the corridor and saw the mouse vanishing from sight down an access shaft. "Crichton, D'Argo, it was in the crew quarters. It attacked this creature with me, but it got away. It looked like it might be heading towards the lower levels."

She heard John repeating what she'd said to Lister over the comm badge, and Lister immediately wanted to know if Cat was all right. She looked him over, his suit was torn in several places, but otherwise he appeared okay. "He's fine."

"Right, we'll come down to your level, Aeryn, and help divide up the search pattern of the lower floors, while you two, John, work your way back up. Hopefully we will catch the creature somewhere in between." D'Argo replied over the comm.

"Right."

"Whatever you say, big guy."

*****

John and Lister had been searching through the holds for a good bit of time before Aeryn had called. John was glad they'd finally had a sighting, because maybe then this chase was nearly over and he could get away from this guy. Oh, he had nothing against Dave personally, he barely knew him after all, but John thought he smelled like he hadn't had a bath in a couple of weeks and looked like Rygel after one of his food binges.

They slowly made their way up the levels, doing quick checks of each level. Lister had told John about the other times they'd had polymorphs on board, and both agreed that it was likely that it would stay hidden but near the various people on board, waiting for its chance to pounce.

Aeryn and D'Argo's teams had decided to alternate levels, Aeryn and Cat doing one, and D'Argo and Kryten doing the next, and so on, down towards where they'd meet up with Lister and John. There had been a couple of possible sightings but none of them turned out to be the polymorph.

John and Lister entered a large storage area, filled with various spare parts and the like for the ship, and were rather astonished to see a large traveling trunk sitting along one wall. "Wait," Lister said, stopping John from going to investigate it. "I don't remember that being here. Holly, can you see that trunk over against that wall?"

"What about it, Dave? It's a trunk."

"But don't you think it looks odd that it's in a room full of spare parts for Starbug and the mining equipment?"

John had Aeryn's spare pulse rifle trained on the trunk. The guy's right, it is strange, he thought. "You're right," John told him. "So the question is, is it this polymorph thing or just a trunk?"

Lister and John both cautiously moved towards the trunk, which had not made any moves towards them as yet. Dave reached out carefully with his laser rifle and lifted the lid while John covered him. The lid opened easily, and inside they both saw lots of clean socks and shirts and stuff. They started to laugh with relief and took their eyes off the trunk.

The trunk suddenly sprouted hundreds of little feet as the lid shut with a click. It started to move towards the two humans, and when the lid opened again, this time they both saw huge gleaming teeth and a long red tongue, which appeared to lick its lips as it advanced on them.

Startled, the two took off running, firing wildly at the trunk, which was catching up to them (an advantage of having so many feet). Dave threw his weapon at the creature in a desperate attempt to distract it for a moment, but it just swallowed it and didn't even slow in its pursuit. They ducked through a doorway, locked it, and began stacking everything moveable they could find in the room against it. "Aeryn, D'Argo," John said, puffing hard, "it's done here, on level, level" he turned to Lister, "what level are we on, anyway?"

"Level 227, storage bay 47."

"Right, 227, did you get that? And be careful, it's got all these feet and huge teeth and tongue..." John shuddered from the memory. The crashing against the door grew louder, the polymorph having decided that that was enough playing, it was time to eat.

"All right, John, we'll be down in a few minutes." Aeryn answered.

"Hurry, you guys, it's trying to get in here." The sound of a loud crash against the door was heard over the comm. John prayed that whoever it was that seemed to be watching over him wasn't on a coffee break and settled in to wait for a rescue. "Isn't there any other way out of here?" he asked Lister.

"'Fraid not. Just the one door."

"Great."

Aeryn, Cat, D'Argo and Kryten met up and hurried down the corridor to the lift, hoping they'd reach their friends in time. The sound of something crashing repeatedly against the door came over Aeryn and D'Argo's comm badges.

"Could you guys please hurry up? I think the door's starting to give." John said worriedly. He and Lister searched the room for anything else they could possibly stack against the door to keep it out. There was nothing else they could use. They cringed against the far wall, next to some shelves every time the door and pile of boxes and equipment in front of it shook from that thing's impact. John held Aeryn's spare pulse rifle in his hand and realized that he still wasn't entirely certain how to operate it, remembering how he'd overloaded it the last time he tried to use it...

Cat and Kryten led the way to where they were trapped. As they drew nearer, they moved more cautiously, not wanting the polymorph to figure out that they were coming. The sounds came even more clearly now and from just ahead. Aeryn and D'Argo spoke rapidly to each other, and indicated to the other two the plan they'd worked out with their signals.

"Any time now would be terrific," John encouraged them from inside the room.

Just as they spun out from behind the wall and started firing at the polymorph, the door and pile of stuff behind it gave way, and the polymorph rushed into the room after its meal. The shots they had fired splattered across the walls and deck outside the room harmlessly. The four of them hurried over and carefully entered the room. The polymorph was too close to Lister and John for them to get a clear shot.

Dave was yelling at John to shoot it, shoot it now, and John aimed and fired at it, but nothing happened. There was a whine, and John realized that he'd done it again, overloaded another of these weapons. "It's going to blow!" he shouted. "Get out of here!" Everyone hit the floor or tried to run out the door, depending on where they were. John threw it at the trunk, which swallowed it whole. Everyone heard a muffled "BOOM" a few seconds later, but when they looked, they saw that the polymorph was still there and was still advancing single-mindedly on John and Lister. They quickly got back up and stared at the trunk.

"What does it take to kill this thing?" John wanted to know. He looked around for a weapon, anything to defend himself from it.

Lister was doing the same thing. "Beats the smeg out of me." He wasn't going to give up, though, not without a fight.

D'Argo fired a deadly accurate blast at the trunk as he got a clear shot at it, when it turned briefly at smelling the fresh food in the room. But the trunk simply raised its lid. . .and swallowed the shot without so much as blinking. D'Argo could swear it was grinning at him.

D'Argo's Qualta blade was tracking the creature as he stepped around the debris of the door and stuff scattered around the floor from when the trunk had burst through. Aeryn followed close behind him, while Cat and Kryten circled around the other side, trying to get the creature caught in between them. The creature turned around slowly, thinking carefully, following their progress.

Dave's mind was working furiously while he watched the creature studying the others. Suddenly he thought of something, and waved at John, not wanting to speak in case the polymorph understood. He motioned towards the heavy shelves they were standing near, and indicated that he and John should shove them onto the polymorph. John nodded that he understood.

The other four, catching onto the plan, kept the polymorph distracted by firing their weapons at it. Each time one of them fired, the polymorph took a little step backwards, coming nearer to Lister and Crichton.

Lister gave Crichton a silent count of three as they shoved from either side of the shelves, which stubbornly refused to budge. They took deep breaths, and pushed harder, their muscles straining, and felt the shelves shift forward slightly. They gave it one more try, every muscle standing out as they pushed, and the shelves tipped forward, then back, and then forward again as they gave it a final push. They groaned from the effort as the shelves came crashing down on the polymorph, which had turned towards them at the last instant, sensing somehow that something was up. It was buried under the shelves, and the others fired continuous blasts into the shelves for nearly a minute, reducing them to rubble and raising a thick cloud of dust.

After the dust settled, they carefully searched the charred debris for any sign that the polymorph was still alive, and found nothing. They began slapping each other's back and laughing in relief as they realized that the creature was dead.

They headed for the landing bay and Moya's transport pod, informing Rygel and Rimmer while they were on the way, that the polymorph was finished, fricasseed and flambed. Rygel, while glad to hear this, still demanded the password from them before fully accepting that it wasn't a trick.

Rimmer was ecstatic to get out of the pod. He was sorry he had ever gotten into it in the first place. That little alien had been at least as disgusting as Lister. No breeding, Rimmer thought, believing wholeheartedly that he was superior to Rygel. The alien had somehow managed to sneak food from the supply boxes and had stuffed its face while the others were gone. And to Rimmer's mortification, when Rimmer had tried to open a dialogue with it (thinking that maybe he could be an ambassador between Earth and this alien's race), the alien had actually thrown chicken bones through his holographic form and then ignored him!

The others came into the bay as Rimmer stood there, thinking these things over, John praising Lister for his quick thinking and the others for blasting the trunk or whatever it was.

Lister was trying to convince John to stay and join the crew of Red Dwarf, since they were going back to Earth too, but John kept ducking that question. Every time Lister brought it up, John found himself staring at Aeryn's face, and he was unsure whether he could leave her there on Moya, a lady without a country, because she had stood up for him. He felt like it was his responsibility somehow to see that she got a better life and he didn't think he could go until he was sure that she'd be okay.

Rygel came out of the pod and waddled over to them. "Can we go home now that you're done? I'm starving."

D'Argo snorted at that. "Certainly, your lowness. Perhaps you'd care to take a nice walk to Moya from here, seeing how you couldn't be bothered to help destroy the creature, but instead remained in the pod the whole time."

"What'd he say?" Lister asked John, pointing to Rygel.

"He's hungry." John replied, not bothering to translate D'Argo's comments for Lister.

"Say, I think I got something here that he might like." Cat patted his suit, looking for something. "Now where did I put it?" He pulls out a medium-sized dog biscuit from one of his inner pockets. "Here you go," handing it to Rygel.

Lister asked, puzzled, "Cat, where'd you get that from?" as Rygel took it and examined it.

"Where'd I get what?"

Lister gave Cat a look. "Oh, that. Well, I found it on the floor after we killed the polymorph thing."

Rygel was examining the dog biscuit carefully, trying to decide if it was edible. Or worthy of his royal taste buds, and sniffed it.

"Cat, that storage bay wasn't carrying dog biscuits."

John's smile vanished as he realized what it must be, and turned towards Rygel to stop him, "Rygel, don't--" as the biscuit sprouted teeth and prepared to bite the miniature monarch.

Rygel, however, had decided it was better than nothing and popped the dog biscuit in his mouth as John started to warn him, not noticing the teeth on it, and chewed and swallowed it.

"--eat that," John finished. All of them were staring at Rygel, who was perplexed by the sudden attention.

"What? Why are you staring at me? Do I have some of it in my teeth?" Rygel stared back at them with a puzzled look on his face.

The others, still staring at the diminutive Dominar, speechless, suddenly burst out laughing.

Rygel looked at each of them in turn, laughing hysterically. "What? I demand someone tell me what's so funny!"

They all just laughed that much harder at the thought that the creature who wanted to eat them...was ate by one of them.

THE END

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