Rating: PG
Summary: Aeryn's thoughts. Hints of J/A.
Archive: Please ask, unless you have my stuff aleady. :-)
Feedback: PLEASE! :-)
Notes: This has not been beta'd yet. This is the
straight-as-it-came-out-of-my-head-but-cleaned-up-to-sound-coherent
version.
Keep an eye out for the cleaned up version coming out soon. Thanks!
* * = italics
Something about me is different. I have been affected by my
new life. We all have. I no longer am who I was, nor do I ever wish to be
again. It's hard. I no longer have the constant wall of training to hide
behind. I'm just out there and my defenses are slowly fading away.
Vulnerability on this level is something I never had to deal with before. A
simple day is a struggle for me
to get through.
Feelings I thought I had experienced and handled before seem to just
overwhelm me. They take control and lead the way without regard for logic
or reason. If I had let this happen as a Peacekeeper, I'd be dead. It's
brought me close enough as it is. I must contain it. I do not want to be
like I was, but I cannot continue to live this way. I'm going to end up
killing myself,
or one of my allies...my friends.
Never before did I care about keeping myself or anyone else alive. I would
defend one of my fellow soldiers, as they would for me, but it's not like
now. It would be hard for me to allow any of them to die if there is
something I could do. Frell, even I could do nothing I'd still try to do
something! Some forms of the Living Death are not caused by heat delirium.
This is a hard way to live. I should blame him more. I did, at first. I
still do in a way, but I think I have forgave him in part. It does nobody
any good for me to hold a grudge. It's not that though. He's given me a
gift. for His words, *You can be more*, echo in my ears to this day. A
declaration that I *will* live up to, even if I will not admit it to him.
He'll listen to me if I wish to tell him. I could never be that patient. I
barely tolerate him at times and other times...well, that's where logic and
reason go out the frelling airlock. We can't always blame it on the oxygen
level. It's too soon to come clean. For my sake and his. I still need
control of my mission, my life. As a soldier, I was trained to adapt to my
battle
conditions. I will adapt, but I cannot do it alone. Neither can he.