Let’s Get Frelled: IN THE HALF @$$ed BEGINNING
By Diene, Iden, and Bob
Dienecian@hotmail.com
Spoilers: Only if you’ve never seen Farscape. But then why are you reading this. Fine there are some Season everything spoilers
Warnings: You’re IQ will probably drop from reading this fic. However, hopefully The funny will outweigh the loss of brain cells and the total wrongness of it all
Disclaimer: We do not own Farscape, the characters, the English language or anything Mentioned in this fic.
Summery: It’s the off-season and the crew of Moya gets some surprises and earn their keep.
Rating: R………just because

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John stormed into the Cargo bay on Tier 6. He was the last of Moya’s crew to arrive. “Thanks guys.” John sounded annoyed. “Look we got some major problems on our hands and I don’t know what’s going on.” He looked at each crewman. “So let’s get started. First of all, where the frell are my keys?”

The crew looked, confused. “What are you talking about, Crichton?” D’Argo asked.

“My keys.” John waited. “To Farscape One. My keys, where are they?”

Chiana stepped forward. “We don’t know what you’re talking about, Crichton. Nobody took your … keys, as you so put it.”

John rolled his eyes. “Ok. You guys are about as useful as…” John looked to the left. “Number two. Tell me one more time. Who the hell are they?” Three figures sat in the corner.

“Don’t worry, John,” said Jool. “They’re only the writers.”

The crew approached the three cautiously. The female looked up. Her long brown hair tied in a ponytail. She held a spiral notebook, a black and blue pen, and a thick book that John identified as a Dictionary/Thesaurus. She smiled. “Hey, John. Sup?” John raised an eyebrow. “Ok. Anyway, I’m Diene. Dude see, since it’s the off-season, you guys need work, yeah? So due to budget cutbacks, they couldn’t afford anyone…well, decent. And we college kids will work for food, so the job was easy to get. Sorry, but you’re stuck with us.”

John nodded. “Ok so I take it you’re the actual writer, considering you’re holding a pen.” He said pointing at Diene. She grinned in response, her brown eyes revealing the great amusement, and power, she held in the situation. “Good…and the rest of you?”

Next to Diene sat a box, yes a large, cardboard, battered, box. A row of small holes -- John assumed for breathing -- lined across the middle of the box and in various places, postage stickers. “I’m Iden.” John blinked, unbelieving. “Yeah. I’m in the box. And my sole purpose is to deliver plot, because my plot is superior! Yeah…so…uh, if you ever get any ideas,” Iden whispered to John and D’Argo, “just let me know and we’ll work on it.” D’Argo and John grinned. The box did its best to do an impression of ‘winkwinknudgenudge.’

“What was that?” Aeryn asked, intrigued but oddly worried about that last gesture.

“Uh nothing. Nothing at all.” Iden said nervously.

John shifted his weight and looked at the third creature holding a large pointed stick. “And that means you are…”

“Bob. I hold this stick and poke Iden when his ideas or comments suck, or he refuses to give them up.” Bob flashed a stupid grin.

“And you’re proud of that.” Aeryn stated more than asked. Bob nodded idiotically, his long wavy hair in a sloppy ponytail over his shoulders.

John clapped his hands and rubbed his palms together. “Right wonderful. So can you guys tell me what the frell is going on? Where are my keys?”

“Dranit.” The box replied.

“What?” Chiana retorted, holding back a laugh. “What did you say?”

“Dranit.” The box restated. “A dranit took John’s keys.”

John knelt in front of the box. “What?” The crew giggled behind his back. He spun; they stopped. John glared, then looked back to the trio. The crew broke out laughing, hysterically. “What do you mean a dranit took my keys? And what happens now?”

“Well to answer those in order,” the box said. “Dranit. Plot. And don’t ask me; ask the pen. I come up with the ideas. She’s the one stuck developing them, even if they do suck.”

Everyone turned to Diene. “So now what do we do?” Jool asked.

“It’s simple,” Diene answered. “Forget about the keys for now. We have combined all of our greatest resources in order to rent special guest stars.”

“And considering that you’re college students, I know exactly what you’re assets are,” John said, smirking. “Dirty laundry, Ramen noodles, and Mountain Dew.”

The box edged back. “He’s onto us,” Iden whispered.

“Yeah so these guests come onto Moya,” Diene continued. “And they’re here to help with this, tinker with that, seduce a lover away…”

“WHAT?” D’Argo shouted.

“Nothing…nothing. Forget it. So anyway, only rule is that you can’t kill them.” The box elaborated. “As in can’t. Can Not.”

John nodded his head and stood to look at the crew. “Ok…this is do-able. We can handle this right?”

“Oh and, John,” Diene interrupted. “Just to make things interesting, there’s an Alien on board.” Diene scribbled in her notebook. A hiss echoed through the tier. Aeryn and D’Argo drew their weapons. John’s eyes widened. “That’s right, buddy. Those black creatures with the second projectile mouth and the acid blood.”

(Author’s side note: Please don’t sue us Fox)

The crew stared at each other in fearful silence. A beep came from the box and a bright blue light emanated through the holes. John turned to look at the box. “Hey, Iden. You bootin’ up a computer!? Holy Hell…You’ve got a computer? Frell man.”

“No. no.” The box retorted innocently. “It’s nothing, nothing,” The windows startup sound resonated. Iden cursed to himself, “SHIT. Volume! Volume! Where’s the volume?!”

“What do you mean boating up, John?” Zhaan asked.

The crew turned, dumbfounded, and stared. “Hezmanna, Zhaan.” Chiana ran to the blue priestess. “Are you really here?”

Zhaan smiled. “Yes, my child. I am here, in this reality.”

Everyone looked at Diene. “What?” She continued writing while answering their puzzled gaze. “Yes it’s Zhaan. She didn’t die. She never should’ve died, you see. It’s Zhaan. I mean come on. How could Zhaan die? She’s right up there with Aeryn and Pilot as the all time best kick ass characters. When she cracks up, her eyes turn RED!! Come on. It’s Zhaan. How can you kill Zhaan? I mean she’s blue. And a plant. you can’t kill…”

“Diene.” Bob interrupted. “You’re ranting.”

“Oh.” Diene said. “Sorry.” She looked up from her notebook. “Before I do anything else, I want a coffee and a Desert Eagle.” Diene wrote. A pistol and a large coffee materialized in front of her. She picked up the coffee and sipped. “He He He. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.” She stroked the barrel as Aeryn knelt down, staring at the 50-caliber handgun. She picked it up, grasping the handle. Diene took the weapon from the trigger happy Sebacean and tucked it into the small of her back.

(Box’s side note: The author has this small obsession with Desert Eagles. Feel free to ignore the last paragraph.)

(Author’s rebuttal: Come on. It’s a 50-caliber handgun. That’s friggin’ big.)

“So,” Chiana squeaked. “You can just materialize things from no where?”

Diene smirked. “Hell yeah. I’m the writer.”

D’Argo crossed his arms. “Then kill the alien.”

“Some things are just out of my control.” Diene lied through her teeth, expertly.

“Now if you will all turn around,” Iden said. “The special guests are sitting at a table waiting for the interview.”

The crew turned to see three figures sitting at a table. “Bachelor number one,” Bob introduced, “is Bruce Campbell. ‘Nuff said. Bachelorette number two is Trinity, totally kick ass no gravity free flyin’ leather clad OOHH YEAH! And Bachelorette number three, the fifth element herself, Leelu.”

(Author’s side note: Once again to the respective owners, please don’t sue us.)

A golf clap resounded in the cargo bay. Bruce pulled the microphone to his mouth. “Hello. I am Bruce Campbell.” He looked at the beings before him. His eyes roamed the room shifting between individuals. First D’Argo, then Stark, to Jool, to Aeryn … his eyes stopped. He looked her up and down, an easy smile forming on his face. John’s eyes flared with jealousy. Bruce looked at John, holding his stare. He leaned back in the chair, put his feet on the table, and crossed his arms. “Well.”

John crossed his arms and straightened his body in an attempt to look intimidating. “Well.”

“Well.” Bruce retorted a little louder.

“Well.” John said even louder.

“Well.”

“Well!”

”WELL!!”

“Hey, hey, HEY!!” Diene interrupted. “What the hell is going on?”

Bruce grinned. “Improvisation.”

“You call that improv.” Diene rolled her eyes. “Jeez do I have to do everything?”

“Diene, you are the writer.” Iden said.

“The box and Bob could do better than that,” She continued, ignoring the box’s last comment. “Not much, but better than that. Sorry Iden. But that’s why I’m the writer.” She paused drinking her coffee. “And you’re in the box.”

“You need me DAMN IT!” The box hopped towards Diene, a corner of the box pointed accusingly at her, “I’m the plot!”

Diene’s eyes avoided the box. “We don’t need plot.” She retorted sipping her coffee, stuffing away the old memories of the time before plot.

“Yes. You do.” Iden said. “Without plot this would be just like every other show. Pointless Dialogue and Meaningless Sex. It would be just like Lexx!”

(Author’s Note: Sincere apologies to all Lexx fans…but you know we’re right.)

Bruce stood up. “And this would be bad because…”

“Because there’s no connection. It’s random words thrown together with no purpose,” Iden replied bitterly. “Anyway Diene, don’t you remember what happened last time you wrote with no plot?”

Diene growled.

“Bob, plug me in.”

Bob picked up an external wire and dragged it to the clamshell. He plugged it in.

John’s jaw dropped. “But… the technology… it’s not the … Never mind. I don’t want to know.”

The clamshell lit up.

And like an old silent movie the count down began.

Three…

Two…

One…

Diene sat at a circular table with Bob and some guy in a blue jacket. She wrote:

D’Argo and John loaded up the transport pod. The planet had been rainy and dreary the entire trip down and they were eager to return to Moya. Aeryn and Chiana ran through the sunshine. They stopped at the transport and nodded to the males. They all got in and sat down. The pod short circuited and it wouldn’t lift off. So the crew returned to Moya to fix it and ate ise gream. Then John and Aeryn went to the Terrace while D’Argo and Chiana went to the maintenance bay. They played Jacks for arns.

The clamshell flashed and the picture faded. “Ok?” Iden said. “You need plot.”

“Well,” John said slyly. “We really don’t need it.” He looked at Aeryn as D’Argo eyed Chiana. The females returned different looks.

“ANYWAY,” Diene interrupted. “Let’s just get on with this a’ight.”

The crew returned its’ attention to the guests. “I am Trinity.”

Aeryn glared. ‘She’s wearing my outfit,’ she thought. ‘And look at how John and D’Argo are oogling at her. Why I oughta…’

Her thoughts were cut short when a different voice spoke. “Leelu.” The red head pointed to herself.

“Yeah.” Chiana said sarcastically. “We caught that part. What else?”

Leelu cocked her head and held up a card, “Mul -- ti -- pass.”

Chiana put her hands on her hips. “Uh huh.” She looked at Jool and the two shrugged.

John pointed to Bruce. “Ok. So what makes you so cocky?”

Bruce leaned back again and put his hands behind his head. “I’m just Bruce. And I AM the greatest B movie actor of all time.”

D’Argo laughed and hit John on the back, knocking him to the floor. “HA! So John, all you humans are the same aren’t you?”

“I resent that, D,” John said, winded. He looked at the crew. “I’m not that full of myself.” The females of the crew just nodded quietly, avoiding eye contact. “Well I’m not.”

“So Trinity, what is it that you do?” Aeryn asked.

Trinity stood, the leather crunching with her movement. She pulled off her glasses, her steel gray eyes almost mad. “I am the freedom fighter trying to rescue you all. The Matrix is all around you. And I’m trying to save you weaker minded individuals who can’t accept the true reality to see what everything really is. It’s all around you. Nothing is real. This ship is not really here. We are not really here. NOTHING IS REALLY HERE.”

Aeryn leaned into her hip, hooking her thumbs into the waist of her leather pants. “Uh huh.” She looked at Leelu. “So, multipass you say.”

Leelu smiled. “Multipass.”

John pursed his lips then clicked his tongue. “Riiiight.” He looked at the box. “So…my keys.” Everyone looked to the box. Nothing. “Iden?” John called.

A clicking sound came from the box. “God damn D.O.T spell! Work! Son of a bitch! Zone! Zone! Train coming through!”

“BOX!!!” The crew screamed.

“What?” Iden answered. “Always interrupting me while I’m playing EverQuest. My uber gnome is almost level fifty damn it! Anyway, I just give ideas and spew out specifics on some parts. I’m not doing everything for you.”

(Author’s Note: EverQuest is addictive, please keep small children and furry animals away from it.)

The crew looked at each other, some nodded, others quirking their eyebrows. They stepped into the corridor. “Ok, Kick ass guy characters this way.” John said pointing down different hallways. “Kick ass girl characters that way.”

“Hot chick characters,” Bruce interrupted. “that way. And completely useless characters can help that Bob fellow hold the stick. We meet back here in an hour.”

“Arn.” John corrected.

Bruce looked at John. “Hour.”

“Arn.”

“Hour!”

“Arn!!”

“HOUR!!!”

“ARN!!!!”

“HEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY!” Startled, the crew jumped to see Diene standing hunched in the doorway gripping her pen, her fist white with tension. “IT DOESN’T MATTER. SAME THING!” She glared at John then Bruce. “Just GO.” She commanded and stormed back into the bay

The groups split. Aeryn snickered, shaking her head to herself. “Like I said before… Oh the warm glow of all this testosterone.”

* * * * * * *

John, Bruce, and D’Argo stalked down the corridor on Moya’s Third Tier. A hiss echoed through the hall as something scrambled in the tube over their heads. John tapped his COM. “Hey, guys. Uh this thing is one frelling nasty critter so keep your guard up and K.O.S.”

“What?” A communal question resounded over the COMs.

“Kill On Sight,” John clarified.

Bruce snickered. “So John, when did you get all Marine Commando?”

“Since our frelling writers decided to make this the next installment of the Alien movies.”

(Box’s Note: For the love of God, please don’t sue us Fox. Jesus Christ, we’re poor as it is.)

D’Argo drew his Qualta Blade. “John, we can’t kill that thing on Moya. The acid will damage her greatly.” Bruce pulled out his sawed-off twelve-gauge shotgun. “What the Hezmanna is that?”

Bruce chuckled. “This…is my BOOMSTICK!”

“We don’t need the S-Smart speech, K.” John interrupted.

(Collective Comment: If you’ve never seen the Evil Dead movies or Army of Darkness, it’s your own goddamn fault. Go watch them!)

Bruce rested the barrel of the gun against his shoulder. “I don’t care who’s what with this ship. But if that SOB comes after me, he’s going down.”

“So who or what exactly are you?” D’Argo roughly asked.

“I am the Greatest Action hero of all time.” Bruce smugly answered.

“Funny I thought that was Batman.” John commented under his breath.

Bruce glared at John. “So bow down before me and worship me. For on this day, you will be first hand witnesses to the GREATNESS that is Bruce.” He ran down the hall, making a dramatic exit.

D’Argo’s eyes shifted from Bruce’s retreating form to John. “Uh huh. I think we would have been better off with that Leelu.”

* * * * * * *

Trinity, Aeryn, and Zhaan inspected the fourth tier. Zhaan was intensely interested in the alternate reality this Trinity spoke of. The tension between Trinity and Aeryn was bluntly obvious. Zhaan tried to calm (or prevent an all out war is better) by walking between the two. “What is this Matrix you speak of?”

Trinity looked at Zhaan. “Everything you know, everything you feel, is not real. It’s the Matrix, created so you don’t rebel…against them.”

“Shut Up!” Aeryn commanded. “I can’t hear this creature if you two yotzs keep yapping.”

A hiss. The women stopped, drew their weapons and stood alert. John’s voice came over the COMs. “Hey guys. Uh this thing is one frelling nasty critter so keep your guard up and K.O.S.”

“What?” Aeryn asked.

“Kill On Sight.” The COM went dead.

Aeryn motioned for Trinity and Zhaan to wait while she scouted ahead. She stalked Fifty metras then turned and signaled for the two to catch up. Zhaan ran and stood by Aeryn’s side. “Hold on.” Trinity called softly. “My boot just unlaced.” Trinity ran forward in ‘Matrix slow- mo’. She ran up the wall and flipped to the ground. Before landing, she froze in the air. She tied her shoe (all in slow motion).

Aeryn leaned into her hip, licked her lips, then rolled her eyes. Trinity landed on the ground in front of Aeryn. Aeryn closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead with her hand. She dropped her arm and sighed. “You finished.”

(Bob’s note: We have nothing against the Matrix, with the exception of “Whoa” and any other Keanu dialogue.)

* * * * * * *

Chiana, Jool, and Leelu inspected the Second Tier. The three crept down the hall. Leelu pointed at a DRD that whizzed past. “Leelu.” She said alarmed.

“Don’t worry.” Chiana said. “It won’t hurt you.”

“We’re gonna die. We’re gonna die. We’re gonna die.” Jool repeated and bumped into Chiana.

Chiana spun. “Watch it.”

Jool crossed her arms. “Frell. I’m sorry.”

Chiana cocked her head and stepped closer to Jool. “You’ve been doing that a lot lately. Getting in the way.”

“Shut up you little Trelk.” Jool’s hair turned bright red.

“Who are you calling a trelk?” Chiana’s eyes fired. “What is that saying John uses. Pot calling the kennel black.”

Jool clenched her teeth. “It’s kettle you idiotic Nebari.

The two females stepped toe to toe. A hiss. All eyes widened, the recent dispute temporarily forgotten. The COM sprung to life, “Hey guys. Uh this thing is one frelling nasty critter so keep your guard up and K.O.S.”

“What?”

“Kill on Sight.” The hall fell silent.

Jool shifted nervously. “Chiana…this is bad. Very bad. Not good. We have to go NOWbacktotheCargoBay. where that thing won’t get us. Come on………leave now.”

Chiana punched Jool in the jaw. “Shut Up! We’re not leaving yet. We’re going to find the others. So shut your mouth and let’s go.”

“Multipass.”

The two looked at Leelu. Chiana walked down the hall followed by Jool and Leelu.

* * * * * * *

John and D’Argo checked every room on their slow stalk down the hall. Bruce walked behind. “And then…” he continued, “I took my chainsaw and cut her head in half. Her brains spewed all over the floor and my God the blood. It was like a river. I mean the chainsaw made everything sloppy so little pieces of flesh and skull were flying everywhere. The grey stuff ‘specially, I mean Jesus. You’d think there was an infinite amount of it. And then…”

“Bruce.” John interrupted. He swallowed hard. “Shut up.”

“What?”

“SHUT UP!!” D’Argo and John shouted.

* * * * * * *

Aeryn took point as her trio cautiously walked down the corridor. “Don’t believe in it.” Trinity whispered. “If you believe it doesn’t exist, then it can’t harm you.”

“I’ll tell you what,” Aeryn said. “You do that…and I’ll kill it.”

“Don’t you understand?” Trinity explained. “You don’t have to kill it. It’s not real. It’s a part of the Matrix. It can only hurt you if you think it can. There is no alien. It…”

“Shut up.” Aeryn interrupted.

“But…”

“SHUT UP!!” Zhaan and Aeryn yelled.

* * * * * * *

Iden, Bob, Diene, Stark, and Rygel sat in a circle. “Ok. What do we think now?” Diene asked, holding the notebook at arms length to examine it like an artist would his painting.

“Why don’t you have them run into each other somewhere?” Bob said.

“All right. Good idea.” Diene scribbled: The crew of Moya met at an insurrection.

* * * * * * *

The three groups met where five of Moya’s corridors connect. Twenty men dressed in rags and holding 18th century earth weapons stood at the junction. “REVELUCION!!” They screamed in thick French accents and raised their guns into the air.

“Holy Shit!” John cursed. “It’s the French Revolution!” The French charged. “DIENE!”

“AHHHHHH. Intersection. IN – TER – SEC – TION.” Diene quickly crossed out ‘insurrection’ and wrote ‘intersection.’

The intruders disintegrated. Every jaw dropped. “You killed the French.” Bruce said.

“Wasn’t that hard.” Diene retorted.

(Author’s note: We really don’t mean to make fun of the French, it’s just… I mean…it happens.)

The sound of nails scratching rang through the corridor. The crew turned and quickly huddled into a circle, their backs together for protection. “Uh, John.” Chiana said. “Any ideas?”

“Just give me a minute.” John said.

“I got it.” Bruce replied. “John, D’Argo and Blue here crawl through the ducts and flush this thing out. Trinity and Jool stay on the tier but follow John. Chiana and Leelu follow Blue. And Aeryn and I will follow D’Argo.” He winked at the Sebacean on his right. Aeryn cocked an eyebrow in his general direction.

“Hell no!” John injected. “I am not leaving that … him with Aeryn.”

“You got a better idea?” said Jool.

“Well,” John thought hard for a different plan. “Bruce and I switch places.”

Zhaan stood next to John, placing a hand on his shoulder. “But he does not know the ship like you do.”

Bruce chuckled. “Don’t worry, Johnny. I’ll take good care of her.” Bruce put his arm around Aeryn and rested his hand on her right shoulder. Aeryn squinted, her eyes angered slits, as she clenched her teeth. She grabbed his hand with her left and twisted. “AGHHH!” Bruce quickly pulled away, noticing the immediate swelling around his wrist. It hung limply. “I never knew it could bend that way.”

D’Argo nudged John. “Hey. I think she could handle herself.”

John grinned. “Yeah.” He turned to face the crew. “All right. Let’s go and get this over with.” He looked towards Aeryn. “So…do I get a good luck kiss?” A sly, not so innocent look on his face.

“Well,” responded Bruce. “You’re not really my type but…”

“NO!” John interrupted. “Not you Not you. NOT YOU!” John pointed at Aeryn. “Her.”

“John,” D’Argo said crossing his arms impatiently over his chest. “We don’t have time for this.”

John waved his hand towards D’Argo. “There’s always time for one last kiss. Especially - considering my luck - this thing will probably rip me to shreds.”

Aeryn walked to John and they stood face to face. She looked up and seductively ran her fingers over his abdomen up his chest and around his neck to play with his ear. Aeryn grinned as his eyes fluttered. “We can’t have that now can we.” John grumbled deep in his throat as his heart raced. Aeryn slowly raised her lips to his and stopped just before touching them. “So you come back alive,” she whispered. She touched the tip of her tongue to his upper lip then slowly pulled away. She flashed a seductive grin and walked away followed by the rest of the crew.

“Aeryn, you can’t leave me hangin’ like this,” John called after her his frustration noticeable in body language and the teeter in his breath.

“Later, John,” Aeryn called back as she walked around a corner.

John tapped his COM. “DIENE.” He called walking in the same direction.

“Yeulzzzz?” Diene answered innocently, reminding John of a Loony Tunes cartoon.

“STOP TOYING WITH ME, WOMAN.”

“You think that’s toying,” Diene laughed. “Just wait till you see what I got up my sleeve for later.”

“Come on. That was so wrong.” John said.

“No, that wasn’t wrong.” Diene replied. “Wrong would have been her kissing you until you got … well you know … and then have her leave. Now aren’t you glad I didn’t have her do that?”

“Hey box,” John said. “You’re a guy, right? Couldn’t you stop her? I mean, you know where I’m coming from. You know what this does to a guy. Well, I think you do.” No answer. “BOX!!”

“ARGH! They’re everywhere!” Gunshots are heard from inside the box, “Aw Jesus! Die S’pht, die!”

Silence as the box is given ‘a look.’

“Sorry… got distracted by Marathon again…” the ashamed reply.

(Author’s Note: Marathon is also an addictive game… if you’re Iden or if you like the number seven.)

The crew met on Tier six where a grate had been ripped from the tube. “Hey uh, guys,” John said, anxiously. “I don’t really think this crawling through the ducts thing is a good idea.”

“Why not?” Bruce inquired. “It’s a flawless plan.”

D’Argo shook his head. “Uh…no.”

Leelu inched towards the open hole and looked up. “Multipass.” She pointed.

“What?” Jool asked frightened.

“MULTIPASS.”

A black creature dropped to the ground. It stood straight stretching its arms and hissed. Leelu fell back and scurried away. Bruce opened fire. “NO!” John pushed the weapon up; the slug whizzed past Jool’s head. She screamed a high pitch shrill. The alien hissed, attached to the ceiling and ran down a corridor. “What the FRELL are you doing?”

“What does it LOOK like I’m doing? Bobbing for Apples?” Bruce yelled. “I’m trying to kill that alien bastard.”

“Not on THIS ship.” John said. “She’s frelling alive. The blood will kill her. I thought I TOLD you that already.”

Bruce slung the shotgun over his shoulder. “Yeah and I told you I was going to kill it.”

Aeryn stepped between the two, annoyed and angered (as usual). “Look you two have been in a pissing contest from the start. Let’s handle this first. Then later you two can whip it out and measure up or whatever it is you do, Ok?”

Chiana looked at John. “So, blue eyes, any more bright ideas.”

“We should return to the Cargo Bay before this madness overwhelms us.” Zhaan said. Everyone nodded.

PART TWO

The crew entered the Cargo bay in the middle of a heated argument. Diene’s notebook lay on the floor, the last words: A black creature dropped to the ground. “I don’t care WHAT you say.” Diene pointed at the box. “Rocky could kick Bullwinkle’s ass.”

The box hopped closer and pointed with its right top corner. “No way. Bullwinkle is the all time best character.” Iden said, confrontational.

Bob stepped in, completing the triangle. “You’re both dead wrong. Natasha is the best character.” He waved his stick angrily at the others.

“You’re only saying that because she’s the only chick on the show,” Iden accused.

“No I’m not,” Bob answered. “Her character history is the deepest story and of the greatest relevance to the plot.”

“NO IT’S NOT.” Diene yelled. “Her ENTIRE story revolves around catching Rocky and Bullwinkle. That’s not earth-shattering!”

(Bob Side Note: The author does actually get this worked up about stuff like this)

“Yeah,” Bob forcefully stated. “But come on. She’s NATASHA.”

Diene growled and swatted at Bob. “Jeez, you get dumber by the minute. I mean, Rocky is so the brains of the operation. Bullwinkle just frells stuff up.”

“Give him some credit, damn it.” Iden injected. “He might frell stuff up, but he ends up fixing it and everything generally works out in the end.”

Bob pointed at the box. “So you’re saying that Bullwinkle is JOHN!”

“EXACTLY!!!” Iden hollered.

“Hey!” yelled John. The trio stopped and looked at the approaching mob. The mob walked towards the writers carrying torches and pitchforks.

“Wait.” Diene stopped and paused, glancing over her choice of words. “That’s not quite what I meant…hmmm…” she scratched out the last sentence and tried again:

The trio stopped and looked at the approaching gang. The gang walked towards them wearing red tank tops, black leather pants, carrying bats and switchblades.

“Hang on.” Diene bit the cap of her pen. “That’s really not what I meant.” She scratched the previous sentence and tried for a third time:

The trio stopped and looked at the approaching group. The crew walked towards them. “Yup. Group. Can’t go wrong with, group.” Diene said.

Rygel hovered to John. “Thank God you’re here. They’ve been at it for over half an arn.”

Bruce clenched his teeth. “You stopped writing for an argument about carTOONS!”

“It was of great importance.” Bob explained. His tone reminded John of his college Microeconomics professor, monotone and boring. “Bullwinkle and Rocky have a devastating effect on the socioeconomic world and politics. It is logical to say that Rocky represents the aristocrats and intelligence agencies of our Earth, while Bullwinkle is the common man executing the theories of these aristocrats. In essence, they are separate entities but unable to exist without the other. That is why Natasha kicks ass. She is totally independent of the two.”

Bruce and John cocked their eyebrows. The others looked around at each other. Aeryn clicked her tongue. “Ok. You lost me after great importance.”

Bruce ran his hands through his hair. “Do you realize what you’ve DONE?” His eyes widened. “I can’t watch that show now! You’ve ruined it!”

Diene rolled her eyes and picked up her notebook. “Riiight. So anyway. What’s up?”

“We’ve got to kill this alien now.” D’Argo said.

Chiana nodded. “Yeah. Let’s get this frelling thing off Moya.”

“Multipass.”

“Not now, Leelu.” Trinity chided.

“Multipass… MULTIPASS!”

The crew turned to see the black alien run past the doors. “No, Leelu.” Bob said. “That is not a multipass. That is a silicon-based life form. Not Carbon based like you and I, but…”

“SHUT UP, BOB!” a communal command echoed through the bay.

(Author’s note: Yes. Bob is really filled with this much useless information.)

“Ok.” John looked at Diene. “Where do we go from here?”

Trinity shoved John. “Why don’t you people friggin’ listen to me?”

“Join the frelling club.” Rygel grumbled. “Nobody ever frelling listens to me.”

“I’m telling you.” Trinity continued, “This whole thing isn’t real. Discipline your minds to realize the deception. It’s the matrix. Break free from the prison, you simple minded sheep.”

John eyed D’Argo and nodded; the two slowly backed away. “Three. Two. One.”

Aeryn’s eyes fired. “Who the frell are you to call us simple minded, you leather clad black haired bi…” Aeryn looked down at herself. “Oh.” She pointed at Trinity. “I mean you…uh…Diene, a little help here.”

“You toad kissing crack-headed crazy bitch.” Diene said matter-of-factly.

Aeryn looked at Diene. “Good one.” She stood toe to toe with Trinity. “You tood kissing crick-eted crazy bitch.”

Diene shrugged. “Close enough.”

“You are all weak,” Trinity said. “You mindless fools.”

Aeryn shifted her weight and glared. John nudged Bruce. “Hey. I got $50 on Aeryn.”

“You’re on.” Bruce accepted. The two shook hands.

Aeryn pounced, knocking Trinity to the floor. The human countered and flipped Aeryn off and to the ground. Both jumped up and charged in a frenzy of punches, kicks, and blocks. Trinity jabbed, but Aeryn ducked and brought her down with a sweep.

John and D’Argo chuckled. “Get ready to pay up.” John said.

Bruce crossed his arms. “We’ll see about that.”

Trinity crouched. An uppercut knocked Aeryn hard onto the ground. Aeryn knelt, pulled out her pulse pistol and shot. The pulse instantly proceeded in slow motion. Trinity slowly bent backwards, parallel to the ground but her feet still planted, attempting to dodge the pulse. Aeryn stood and crossed her arms. The pulse continued at a lagging pace. She rolled her eyes and tapped her foot. The pulse flew over Trinity’s chest and hit the wall. Aeryn exhaled impatiently as Trinity slowly stood straight again.

Chiana and Jool looked at Diene to see a sly grin stretch across her face. “You know what. Let’s make this a little more interesting.” She pulled a TV remote out of her Jean’s pocket. She pointed at Aeryn and Trinity and pushed PAUSE. The two females froze. Everyone turned to look at Diene. “What?”

Bob twirled the stick between his fingers. “Diene, whacha doin’?”

“I’m just having some fun.” Diene snickered to herself. “Now let’s see.” She tapped the pen against her chin.

“Hey, crew. You might want to back up.” Iden forewarned. The crew did so.

“Ok…let’s see.” Diene wrote changing the situation.

A familiar scream echoed through the bay. “MORTAL KOMBAT!!” The games fight music played through the box. All but the two opponents looked around the room at the music, but shrugged and waited for the inevitable battle.

Diene continued to write. The scene in front changed to Shao Khan’s Arena. “Hmmm. Now which characters do I make who?” Diene paused. “HA!” She scribbled. A puff of smoke engulfed Trinity. The lights flashed and the smoke cleared. Trinity wore the blue costume and mask of Kitana. More scribbling. Another ball of smoke swallowed Aeryn. The lights flashed; the smoke cleared. Aeryn stood wearing the green costume and mask of Jade. “Hee Hee Hee. And the last touches.”

“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?” Bruce yelled.

Iden exhaled, annoyed. “She pixilated them, didn’t she?”

John nodded. “Yup.”

Diene shrugged. “What?” She looked at the crew. “So I made them 2-D.” Everyone looked at her, shaking their heads disappointingly. “It’s the game. I can’t help it.”

“All right.” John commented. “Get on with it.”

“Right.” Diene pointed the remote and pushed play.

“FIGHT”

The two women tried to circle each other. “What the FRELL!” Aeryn shouted. “I can’t frelling circle.”

“Oh…yeah.” Diene explained. “You can only move forward, back and jump.”

“You’re kidding me, right?”

“Nope.” Diene chuckled to herself.

Trinity and Aeryn looked at each other and shrugged. They inched towards each other. Aeryn high punched, and hit Trinity in the face. Blood gushed, but from no wound. Trinity inched forward and high punched. Blood gushed from Aeryn’s face; once again, no wound. The two continued exchanging punches and kicks, low and high. Blood flowing everywhere and miraculously disappearing.

“GO FOR THE THROAT.” John yelled.

“I’M TRYING.” Aeryn answered.

The two continued. “Hey, Aeryn.” Diene called. “Back Forward High Kick. Just do it. Trust me. It’s a special.” Aeryn inched back forward then high kicked. Her staff flashed out and slashed up knocking Trinity to the ground.

“All that just to hit her with a stick!” Bruce exclaimed.

“Meh.” Iden replied.

Trinity executed a combo. Knee, knee, low kick, roundhouse. Aeryn stood dazed and rocking back and forth.

“FINISH HER!”

Trinity whipped out her fan and swiped at her opponent’s neck. Aeryn’s head fell to the floor. Her body collapsed at the knees then forward onto the ground, all returning to 3-D and in her previous attire.

“FATALITY”

“Hey,” Bob pointed out. “She knocked the 2-D right out of her.”

John’s eyes bulged. He fell to the ground on his knees. “AERYN!”

Bruce pushed past John. “Don’t worry. I got this.” He snagged Aeryn’s head and held it up. “Well. Since you guys don’t have duct tape………it looks like I have to do this the old fashion way.” He placed the head next to the body.

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” D’Argo asked.

“Of course I do.” Bruce answered. “Clatto…Verata…Nn(coughcough).”

A flash of light blinded the crew. Vision slowly returned and Aeryn lay on the floor, completely attached and alive.

(Bob’s Note: Wow, It actually worked this time!)

John jumped to his feet and ran to Aeryn’s side as she slowly sat up, rubbing her neck. She grabbed his hand and pulled herself up. She stood, shaky and dizzy, leaning on John for support.

Bruce stood straight and cocky as ever. “Yes. Yes, I know. I’m the man.”

John looked at Bruce, a grin stretching from ear to ear. “Thanks, Bruce.”

Bruce held up his hands. “I know. I know.” He turned to Diene. “So bonus points. What do I get?”

Diene smiled. “Ok.” She wrote. A grey box materialized in Bruce’s hand with a large red button in the center. “Now that large red button has a surprise in store. It only works once so use it wisely.”

Bruce looked at Diene. “Can’t I get something, you know, good?”

“Don’t worry, Bruce,” Diene reassured. “This will be good. Or I can always give you that necklace from the Evil…”

“NO.” Bruce interrupted. “No, no. The box is fine.” Bruce smiled and Diene turned her attention back to her writing. Bruce walked to Bob and gave him the box. “Here. Now whatever you do, don’t push this button. Ok?” Bob nodded and put his finger over the button then pulled it back. Over…back…over…back…over…

“BOB!!!!!” Iden yelled.

“Hey.” Trinity called. “Can somebody change me back? I’m still 2-D.”

Diene pointed at Trinity. “No. You stay like that and think about what you did.”

“But it was you who…” Trinity’s voice was cut short when a zipper replaced her mouth.

Diene chuckled to herself. “All right. Chill.” She scratched something out in her notebook and Trinity gained the third dimension, depth.

John looked at Aeryn, smiled, and brushed a loose strand of hair away from her face. “How you feelin’, Baby?”

Aeryn winced slightly and rubbed the back of her neck. “Not bad, considering. But my neck is killing me.”

John nuzzled into her hair. “I can help.” John whispered. “I got magic fingers…how about a massage?”

Aeryn purred as he wrapped his arm tightly around her.

“Hey, Diene.” Iden called. “What are you doing?”

Diene grinned. “Romantic interlude.”

“Look,” Iden responded. “I’m just as into the make out thing as the next guy, but NOW?! I mean come on, John. She just died and you’re trying to get laid! Jeez, at least let her recharge first! And Diene, I am SOOOO disappointed in you. You of all people hated it when during the middle of crisis situations the characters stopped for romantic interludes. Look at The Mummy Returns. I mean you flipped out over that.”

“Fine.” Diene said, resigning. “I get your point.”

“Yeah. So do I.” John said angered. “But that still ain’t gonna stop me. STICK!!!” John snatched the stick from Bob and poked the box, hard and repeatedly.

A built female figure jumped from a crate and landed on Leelu, crushing her.

“By the goddess,” cried Zhaan. “You’ve killed her.”

“It doesn’t matter. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE GUST STAR!” Ripley ranted. “She’s not a kick ass character, I am. I mean come on. I have a cult following. She has red hair! Jesus, she’s not even capable of dialogue. All she says is ‘multipass, multipass’. At least I can carry on a legitimate conversation. My God, how could you …”

“HEY!” Diene interrupted. “You killed her. Do you have any idea how much money you just cost us?” She threw the notebook into the air, stood, and paced. “Great now we have less then we had before. We have less then nothing. We are poorer than poor. We are not only in debt we are in frelling debt. Son of a damn piece of rotting frelling bitch assed dren eating god damn…”

“Diene,” Bob interrupted.

“WHAT!?”

“You’re ranting, again.”

Diene clenched her teeth and picked up her notebook. She continued mumbling under her breath as she continued to write.

The Alien dropped from the ceiling. Everyone drew their weapons and aimed at the Alien’s head. “Whoa! Whoa! WHOOOOAAA!,” the Alien said. “Why are you people always trying to KILL me? You never even gave me a chance. You started shooting at me before and all I wanted was a hug. All I wanted to do was go to New York and be in the revival of Oklahoma on Broadway. Not all us aliens are out to kill and eat brains and destroy stuff.” Everyone lowered their weapons, stunned but skeptical. “I’m not going to do anything to you or eat you. Hell, I never did. I’m a VEGAN for crying out loud!”

Riply looked, unconvinced. “What?”

“God damn it! Nothing ever goes right.” Diene hollered. “The union promised me a man-eating alien.”

“It was supposed to be,” the Alien explained. “But he was under contract for an Avon commercial. I tried I really did. I even nibbled on that big bug in the central room thing. I don’t know…it just didn’t do it for me.”

Chiana tapped John on the shoulder. “Uh…Where’s Zhaan?”

Everyone looked around the room then back to the Alien. “What. I couldn’t help it. She was a giant walking vegetable. And she was blue. I NEVER had a blue vegetable before.”

A loud siren resonated through the bay. Everyone looked at Bob who had his finger guiltily on the red button. Diene smirked and nudged the box.

A very familiar song played. John looked around, curious. “That sounds like a marching band.” That instant, sixty midgets on trombones, trumpets, flutes, and all other band instruments burst into the bay. “My God.” John’s head dropped into his hand.

The Notre Dame fight song resounded loud. The band marched to Bruce and circled him. He tried to draw his weapon but couldn’t. He looked at Diene who simply waved her pen. “SORRY BRUCE,” She yelled over the noise. “CAN’T DO THAT!!” The smallest midget brought up the rear, struggling with a bass drum on his back. He circled Bruce, the heavy drum knocking the human off his feet and to the ground. He propped himself up onto one elbow, rubbing his forehead. The drummer put down his instrument, pulled out a large stamp and marked Bruce’s forehead: Thank You! He then hung a sign around Bruce’s neck: I’m # 1! The midget grudgingly pulled the drum out of the bay, following the rest of the band.

Bob nodded. “Cooooooool.”

(Author’s Note: We have absolutely nothing against little people, marching bands, or the Notre Dame fight song. It’s just funny to combine them all.)

Silence filled the bay. John stood behind Aeryn, pulling her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her waist. She entwined their fingers as he rested his chin on her shoulder. “Thanks Again, Bruce.” John said.

The midgets charged back into the bay and encircled Bob. He looked, dumbfounded at the rest of the crew. The lead midget, in his marching band uniform and holding his baton, stepped nose to nose with Bob. The midget grinned. “Ahhhhh!!!!!” At the cue, the midgets, all sixty, pounced on Bob. A huge mound of bodies formed as the midgets communally mauled Bob. “Good!” At the command, the midgets all charged back out of the bay. The leader lagged behind and when the others left, whacked Bob upside the head with his baton. He ran out after them leaving Bob in a bruised mess on the floor.

Bob rubbed his head then stood up, patting his pockets. “My wallet…it’s. DAMN IT! And,” Bob shifted his weight. “DIENE!!!! My underwear. You made underwear MIDGETS! What the frell is WRONG WITH YOU!!” Bob’s patience diminished. “It’s supposed to be gnomes, not midgets, GNOMES!!!!”

“Gnomes? Where? Gnooooommmmmes.” Said Iden as he hopped around the bay looking for the rare, elusive, and endangered gnomes.

(Author’s Note: Heh Heh. Iden had a small obsession with gnomes. Why? Well…we really don’t know. I mean they’re gnomes.)

Silence.

Then, the bay filled with hysterical laughter.

“ALL RIGHT.” The box screamed. “Everyone calm down. We still have a story line to finish.” The crew nodded. The box turned to Diene. “Ok listen. Here’s what you should do. Slowly and subtly bring in the keys and the Dranit.”

“Right.” Diene answered. She paused for thought then wrote. The keys fell from the ceiling, bounced off the box and landed at John’s feet. John smiled and picked up the keys.

“Diene, what was that?” the box asked, not believing what just happened.

Diene grinned. “Yeah. Like you said, ‘Subtle’”.

The box grumbled. “Yeah subtle. LIKE A SHOTGUN BLAST TO THE FACE!” The box exhaled. “I said slow and subtle because we still have TWO PAGE LEFT.”

“Hey, Diene.” John said slyly but with a stupid grin on his face. He walked towards the writers, Aeryn now capable of standing on her own. “I got a great idea. We gather all the chicks together, right. Then they gather in the showers, right. And we get peep holes.” D’Argo and Bruce stood behind John nodding like fools. “And then…” John bent down to whisper in Diene’s ear. “Pssp, pssp pssp.”

John pulled back and Diene shook her head. “Sorry, John. They can’t bend that way.”

John tried again. “What about pssp pssp pssp.”

“Nope can’t bend that way either.”

John looked at Bruce and shrugged. Bruce took the lead and confronted the writer. “Well if you dislocate…”

“NO.” Diene said forcefully. “I am not writing that. I am NOT WRITING THAT!! My God, is it not bad enough that I killed and tortured these women you want me to do THAT.” All males nodded foolishly. “Why am I not surprised?” she said under her breath shaking her head.

“Diene,” Aeryn asked skeptically. “What do they want?”

The writer looked at Aeryn. “Nothing. Nothing, don’t worry about it.”

“Compromise.” The box injected. “Since you ended the story in such a sucky way, we have to compromise.” Diene reluctantly nodded. “Good. Now what about mud wresting.” Diene’s eyes flared. “With their clothes on,” Iden reassured.

“At least some sort of clothes,” Bruce mumbled.

“Fine.” Diene agreed. “But it is the guests stars that wrestle and we have a lottery to see which one of the Farscape females wrestles, OK?”

“The males consulted mumbling. “One, Two, Three. Break.”

John approached Diene. “Agreed.”

Diene stood and exited the bay, motioning for the others to follow. “Come on, we’re going to one of the spare cargo bays on Tier eight.” The males ran ahead, excited and enthusiastic about the upcoming entertainment. The box hopped behind. “Hey Guys! Wait Up!”

The males ran into the cargo bay to a coliseum-like setting. Each chose their seat where they assumed they could attain the best view. Diene walked in and sat in a far corner, continuing to write. A hat sat next to her filled half way with pieces of paper. Ripley and Trinity walked through the doors wearing tight shorts and a tank top. The two stepped into the mud filled hole in the center.

“Come on, Diene.” Bruce called. “Don’t leave us hangin’ like this. Send out Chiana or Jool or Aeryn. Just bring them all out damn it.”

Diene stood and slowly walked to the center bay in front of the mud filled center. “I would like to introduce our Farscape competitor.” She paused looking over the crowd. “STAANZ.”

The “female” that helped D’Argo rescue Aeryn and John from the Flax walked through the door and entered the ring. Jaws dropped. D’Argo shook his head hard and hissed. “That is SOOOOO not cool.” Bruce accused.

Diene snickered quietly to herself as Chiana, Jool, and Aeryn strolled in and sat at the top of the bleachers. Diene waved at the crowd. “Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week.”

The three evenly matched opponents circled each other, waiting for an opening. Ripley lunged at Staanz, her fist penetrating her chest. She ripped out her heart and crushed it in her hands. A communal “HOLY SHIT!!!” resounds from the crowd. The two remaining females pounced, Trinity yet again in slow motion. But Ripley was not. She flew, full forced, like a train on a head on collision, and pounded into Trinity. Both women fell into the mud in a heap and rolled around. Every female rolled her eyes as the guys hooted and hollered. Ripley wrapped her hands around Trinity’s neck and bashed her head against the floor, knocking her unconscious. Ripley stood up. The Alien projectile protruded from Ripley’s mouth and bit off her head. Bruce hunched over then looked at John, who was sitting at his right. “Well, not quite what I was expecting.”

(Author’s Note: Sorry but we had to take a shot at Alien Resurrection.)

“GOD DAMN IT!!!” Diene cursed and screamed. “WHAT IS WITH YOU FRELLING PEOPLE AND KILLING THE EXACT PEOPLE I TELL YOU NOT TO KILL!!!! How the hell am I supposed to afford GUEST STARS next time?! Son of a ………” The crew watched Diene control her breathing, look up, and slowly calm down. When composed she returned her eyes to the crew to see them all staring at her. “What?! Forget it. I’m done. I can’t take this anymore. Go home. It’s over.”

“But, Diene,” John interrupted. “You said me and Aeryn…can well later…and,”

“Not this time, this just went waaaayyy to far.” Diene stated, impatiently. “You’ll have to wait till the next one.” She looked at them. They stared back unsure of what to do next. “It’s over damn it. There’s nothing left. Go. Just friggin go.”

(Author’s note: No seriously. It’s over. Why are you still reading?)

PART 3

The End

Author’s Plea: Please review. Come on. Even hate mail…it’s all good. Then at least I know you read it and took the time to answer me. For the love of God, throw me a frickin’ bone here. I can do more, I can do less, I can do drama, romance, action, or mystery, something - anything…hell give me ideas man. I am totally open to…

“Diene,” Bob interrupts.

“WHAT?!”

“You’re doing it again.”